The Weekend Interview

There have been a number of composite or representative characters over the years including Tommy Atkins (the British soldier), John Bull (the patriotic Briton), Uncle Sam and the greedy Big Business man in top hat, waistcoat and striped pants who never had a name but was the stock-in-trade of Leftist cartoonists. Readers may well think of some others. It seems an opportune moment to give birth to another and on this website we will introduce, for the first time, Media Man. Our Mr. Right caught up with Media Man yesterday in Washington DC and was fortunate to have with him his tape recorder and notepad.

Media Man was in a plush office of the Washington Post when we met. Sat behind a bank of phones and with several pretty female assistants, he looked a little exhausted yet exhilarated. Several of the phones had names attached. George Soros had his name on two and I also noticed the names of Howard Dean, Bill Clinton, Hilary Clinton, Harold Ickes, Barney Frank and Harry Reed. I can’t be absolutely certain but I think there was also one for Lincoln Chafee.

I thanked Media Man for giving me a precious few minutes of his time when it was so obvious that he was really busy but he said he was glad of the opportunity to take a break.

Media Man “MM”. “This last week has been really hectic, but things are all coming together nicely now, so it’s been worth it. When George’s crowd over at told us they had some juicy stuff on Mark Foley, we had to swing into action. We didn’t want them to blow it by putting the story out there before we could turn it into an outrageous scandal with legs. It’s doing nicely now though and Foley’s immediate resignation hasn’t affected our campaign at all. I think we will get Hastert out and you only have to look at the opinion poll figures to see that we have really torpedoed the Republicans in the run-up to November. I think we can keep it going a bit longer yet, but if not, Bill and George both have some more dirt ready on a couple of other Congressmen.”

Mr. R. “But I thought you people in the Media were all in favor of lowering the age of consent for Gay youngsters and have also argued that a politician’s personal sexual life was a private matter?”

MM. (smiling wisely) “Not if we are talking about Republicans or Christians. You see, it’s all about hypocrisy, then.”

Mr. R. “What about the issue of protecting young men from predators. Didn’t sitting on the news leave some young men at risk?”

MM. “At risk from what? We think young men should get all the sodomy they want. Why should they be discriminated against?”

Mr. R. “I see you have all these hotlines to Democrat politicians and Human Rights Groups, but none to Republicans or conservative groups, Isn’t that a bit lopsided for someone covering news?”

MM. “Who’s covering the news? We don’t cover the news! We make it! Where have you been these last 20 years? News is whatever we call news and if we decide it’s not news, it’s not news! Why would we be talking to conservatives? We don’t agree with anything they believe. Anyway, we strive for balance. Look how often we bring on Chafee and John McCain.”

Mr. R. “So! Are you a wing of the Democrat Party?”

MM. “My word, you are out of date young man. That was light years ago. We long ago stopped taking orders from them. Now they take orders from us and they’ve never been happier. Anyway, we’re more ideologically pure than them and more united. Have you seen the statistics about our people? 98% of journalists are Leftists. Not even the Democrat Party can boast that. They’ve still got a few people who support Bush, like Lieberman, and a few who oppose late term abortion. We wouldn’t tolerate anyone with those views in our ranks. Mind you, with George’s money and help, I think we’ll soon purge that little lot from the Party.”

Mr. R. “You say news is whatever you decide it to be, so can you give me some idea of the kind of thing you consider suitable for public consumption?”

MM. “Well, that’s easy! Anything that damages Bush, for starters! Anything that puts Christians in a bad light! Anything that will spread defeatism over Iraq! And definitely anything that will restore us to a majority in the House and Senate in November. You get my drift?”

Mr. R. “Definitely! You talk as though the Media is a Party and yet you still operate through the Democrat Party. Wouldn’t it be easier to publicly merge?”

MM. “Dear me, no! We do much better staying neutral. Why change a winning hand? This way we have power without responsibility and what could be better than that?”

Mr. R. “I like your view of ‘neutral’. I noticed that you only listed negative things as news. Don’t you have any positive news for the people?”

MM. “Good Lord, yes. Oh! Pardon the use of that religious word! Just a manner of speech! I definitely do not believe in a deity. That stuff is primitive and judgmental and we see ourselves as on the cutting edge of science and progress. To get back to your question! Positive news? What about Madonna visiting an orphanage in Africa and Bill getting the fat out of kids’ diets? And what about Bill Gates putting all that money into AIDS? We pump out good news all the time. Look at the cover we give to Bob Geldorf and Bono and their good works! No, I think we get the balance just right. Oops, that’s George’s phone flashing, so I’ll have to close. He’s probably inviting me to a party up at his place tonight. Everybody who is anybody these days will be there and the food is terrific. He flies delicacies in from all over the world and he doesn’t let the cost of gasoline bother him, one bit. Bill and Hill will be there! And most of the Hollywood crowd! It’s going to be a little celebration of the Republicans’ November defeat. Perhaps we can continue another time!”

Mr. R. “Thank you for your time, Media Man. I had a few more questions about Rupert Murdoch, Fox News and Talk Radio, but it looks as though they will have to wait for another time. Anyway, it’s reassuring to know that the news is properly managed.”

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